One of the hardest things I’ve ever had to deal with has been my childhood programming. After all these years I’m still so traumatized.
I was told for years I was too big (fat), too talkative, too sensitive, too much. So since it was programmed in my brain since childhood I believed it. i can’t keep relationships because I’m always too something.
I wanted to follow my dreams and become a writer, instead I was told it was impractical. Something I’d never succeed in. I wanted to study abroad and was made fun of and told what’s the point. Even after all these years my Mom told me “Oh, it was to study? I didn’t know.” What?! I’ve been saying it for years. Guess what I said was not important.
If what I said meant nothing and following my dreams was stupid then what was the point. I retreated into myself. My own bubble which I’ve been in for so long. I’ve even dabbled with self harm a couple times. Scissors, my own finger nails… wearing rubber bands on my wrists and snapping them to cause welts in order to feel something. I’m starting to cry now just thinking about it. I feel things now, but tend to just be bitter and believe that I’m better off up with the angels than down here being stagnant.
My sister says I’m not afraid of failure but that I’m afraid of succeeding. I no longer believe in myself. I’m in so much debt that I once had three jobs and I can’t even support myself. I’m a failure to myself and everyone around. I wanted a family, I wanted kids but I was always too something. I’m terrified of my brother because for a good while he always would yell at me and give me one good punch every time we saw each other. We don’t speak and honestly I feel that if we weren’t related, we’d never speak again. I barely have a relationship with my sister. We talk a little bit here and there through snapchat and see each other maybe once a year.
I don’t have relationships with my niece or my nephews. For a good while, all I had was my dog and now she’s up in the sky. I spend my time telling myself why try. Its not going to get better. The same old shit keeps repeating even when I make a change. I feel more and more alone everyday.
I try every once and a while I try to get out there and do things to feel happy and good about my situation but then I remember my programming. That there’s no point and I’m not good enough to get where I want to go. I feel like a bad person so often. So ungrateful. I’m lucky enough to have both my parents, both my Grandmas (They are even both 93 years old as of 4 days ago!) I have two siblings, 3 nephews and 1 niece.
Its ironic though, while everyone says I’m too much, too this, too that. I feel like I’m not good enough. Noy important enough. Not smart enough.
My name means worthy to be loved so why is it so hard to love myself and be loved? I feel instead like a waste of space. I made a youtube channel but stopped posting because I can’t get beyond 159 subscribers. I have an online shop to sell my crochet work yet I haven’t posted anything since January because everyone just wants a discount and I end up feeling like all my goods are just overpriced and not good enough. I haven’t posted on here in over a month because I haven’t had anything worthy enough to say yet I am the overtalkative one.
At least I can see a lot of my issues and red flags now. Changing my perspective and mindset is what I’m trying to do next. Work on things. Get through things and try not to cry whilst doing them. <3
-Amanda 3/22/25
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